A third great LOVE

#1- my personal hottie (britt)
#2- dancing
and drum roll please........

#3 cooking!!!!!!!

I REALLY REALLY love to cook. I mean REALLY! I started doing my own cooking pretty young. When I got married, I started cooking ALL the time...like tons! I would come home from work and start cooking not ever realizing just how relaxing it is for me. I love to create things and this is just one more avenue for me to do that. I like to get ideas from other recipes and then create my own versions or just give it a total makeover altogether! I also enjoy doing things for people...ok more like pleasing people, so I feel like I can do that by cooking. Since I now have DVR, I have started watching a ton of food network...which I love and is even more amazing on my 42" HDTV. The other day I was watching it and I caught myself thinking..." I could really do this for a living and really love it!" Of course having my own show would be ultimate cause I could still be an entertainment personality and a cook, but I think it would be SOOO fun to even just do catering or go to culinary school and become a top chef. If I had lots of time and money I would do just that...I would spend half of my day learning to cook and cooking and the other half training for dance and dancing....WHAT A BLAST that would be! So be looking for my recipe and experiment postings and updates!!

sweet peace of closure

And a HUGE sigh of relief! A burden lifted, bitterness turned sweet, and the black yuckyness in my heart and spirit now cleared and replaced with peace. Closure. Open honesty. Candid, blunt, up front, forward..whatever you want to call it; it is SO key in SO many things! Why do we mask things under ambiguity or "sugar" ? I don't get it, and I never have. It clouds communication, and as we have ALL heard time and time again.."communication is key". We hear it all the time about making marriages work, but it isn't just marriages. That holds true for all relationships from friendships to business relationships. When communication is clouded it complicates things by bringing ambiguity in the picture. When ambiguity makes it's way in, as humans we start to assume to make up for the lack of clarity. And assuming, as we all have experienced, is almost NEVER good or fruitfull. Why can't we all just be clear, open, and honest all the time?

Sometimes I think people have this idea that they don't want to deal with confrontation, so they create a distance in a realtionship. This IS a block in the communication line and creates ambiguity(which we've established is BAD). This is actually what WILL lead to a VERY confrontational situation which is what they were running from in the first place. So again being upfront, open, and honest from the get go is the solution.

I also think that sometimes people are too concerned with offending others. Well I think that you can't offend; people CHOOSE to take offense. I'm not saying to be rude to people. There is a difference in being up front and honest and being down right rude. Rudeness is created by adding poor attitude to your words.

Communicate and do so clearly, openly, and honestly.

This is another one of those things that ties to dancing. If the communication lines (your frame or center) is broken or blocked there is no clarity and assumption begins...ahhh disaster!!

The value and importance of a true friend

In the past couple of months I have sat back and realized the value, worth and hard work of a true friend. All my life I have always been surrounded by my very closest of friends until I moved. Those friends were a lot easier to make since we were all in school together. I seem to have been so wrapped up in my own world of working that I haven't really bothered to cultivate many friendships. I have realized just how hard it is to make and find those special people. People already have their groups they hang with and who really wants to add another?? Then you think you find someone and it's not what you thought and that process goes on and on..... That part is really hard for me since I tend to trust everyone immediately. I tend to get hurt often and that only makes me want to shut myself off from everyone.

Found some great quotes I wanted to share...

"Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end." ---Unknown

"Friends are the most important part of your life. Treasure the tears, treasure the laughter, but most importantly, treasure the memories."---Dave Brenner

"Sometimes life is hard to bear when a friend is just not there." ---William Franc

"A best friend is a sister destiny forgot to give you." ---Unknown

"Friends are always friends no matter how far you have to travel back in time. If you have memories together, there is always a piece of your friendship inside your heart." ---Kellie O'Connor

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. ~Aristotle

A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself. ~Frances Ward Weller

A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud. I am arrived at last in the presence of a man so real and equal, that I may drop even those undermost garments of dissimulation, courtesy, and second thought, which men never put off, and may deal with him with the simplicity and wholeness with which one chemical atom meets another. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Pride and Prejudice

So I was watching one of my most favorite movies the other night, Pride and Prejudice. Being in the analytical and contemplative state of mind that I have been in for the past month, I started to realize myself (younger and current) in one of the characters...Elizabeth...and also realize who I am starting to become...Jane.

I was the spitting character image of Elizabeth growing up and still very much am to this day.I am, however, starting to see chracteristics of Jane come into my life.

So quickly I have stated things about each of these characters personalities that I realize are also my own:

Elizabeth is lively, quick-witted, sharp-tongued, bold and intelligent. Elizabeth is concerned with propriety, good-manners, and virtue. Jane Austen portrays Elizabeth Bennet as "strong and intelligent, yet bewitching in a completely feminine way". "Elizabeth's possession of these attributes: strength of character and moral integrity, great intelligence, and an attractive personality, make her an admirable person." Yet Elizabeth has faults. She has pride in her abilities to perceive the truth of situations and of people's characters. However, her perceptive abilities fail her frequently because she is influenced by vanity and judges people rashly. By the end of the novel she overcomes her prejudice through her dealings with Darcy. Somewhere in my life I feel like I overcame my prejudice as well...not the pride though HA! Because of this change, I have realized that there are now things about Jane's character that I have now. Jane is good-tempered (I haven't mastered that one), sweet, amiable, humble(not this one either... at times) and selfless. She refuses to judge anyone badly, always making excuses for people when Elizabeth brings their faults to her attention (this is where my biggest flip/change has occured ..or is a working progress anyway). Her tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt leads her to be hurt by insincere friends such as Caroline Bingley.

I think that once I get hurt by my tendency to give the benefit of the doubt...I quickly return to my Elizabeth characteristics again. I am not sure how I like my progression toward having Jane's character...transformations that have or are taking place now I think I'm ok with...but I rather like my out-spokenness and my bold, charasmatic personality. yup..no more Jane for me!

trying to find the calm after the storm

It is interesting to see how my mood swings affect my emotions...now that I blog, I can really see the HUGE difference. So I am trying to find the calm after the storm. My mood is back to normal, so now I can think a little more clearly...God really had such a sense of humor in the makings of a woman. And I think the joke is on the men...or the nightmare might I say. Anyhow, I realize that some things are just out of my control. When I am not the cause of things that happen, I (most of the time)have no control over the outcome or changing the outcome. That is something that is hard for me to accept. I am...yes this is in writing.. a control freak, so releasing situations that I cannot change is hard. I think I actually subconsciously try to make the situation somehow linked to me so that I feel like I can change the matter...and that only makes me a crazy mess which is doesn't help things!! It is crazy how much power the mind has on us. So (deep breath) I have to sit back and let things work themselves out because there really isn't anything that I can do....and that is my constant reminder. In the mean time I have killed the crazy woman so that my fun, bubbly, and silly self can come back, and I can continue to be the best friend that I can be.

so confused

Sometimes it is so hard to describe what is going on inside. I wish I could just pull it all out of me and lay it a paper to analyze...like when Dumbledorf pulls memories out of his head.

I'm so bad with words...that is why I dance. Dancing for me is a way that I can outwardly express an inward emotion. I remember a coaching I had with David Hamilton where he had me describe the feeling I had when he danced each particular way. I couldn't do it...I had no words to describe it. HAHa and I remember telling him " I don't know..I can't find a word...I'm not good with words, David, that's why I dance." BUT I could react and respond to his dancing with my own dancing and it matched in tone. And THAT is the beauty of dancing...THAT is what it is all about...taking the energy given, creating and moving with it, and then giving it back.His point in this lesson was to show that you must be able to "move" your partner by the energy you give, and that a great partnership would possess that quality. For the first time in my dancing career, I was able to experience that. That is huge for me. I am a pretty stubborn person and a very emotional one. The combination of these two attributes means that I won't "move" for just anything. I am very sensitive to the energy I feel from people, and to "move" me on the dance floor, I must feel a genuine energy. I have danced with people before that just go through the steps....analyzing each movement and dancing far too much from their brain instead of their heart. It is SO hard to produce a product that moves the audience if it doesn't move you. That is what the arts are about right? Moving people, touching their hearts and souls, speaking to them on a deeper level? Communicating those things is what makes us artists. People, talking about all people in general, love the arts because it bypasses the brain and touches them in their soul and takes them to a new place...whether it be the artist or the person viewing the art. That is why I love what I do...because I touch and change the soul of a person... their core...the basis of a human. So on the competitive end it's about how many judges you can move. Don't get me wrong; technicality is a part of it as well (and we all know it can get political) , but a couple can be very technically correct and BORING!! There are several top couples right now that I would describe this way. The only one that isn't are the current title holders of the American smooth. They do the most simplistic things but they MOVE people. I want to be that ...I want to be the most moving. (big sigh) And now I'm back at square one, but I'm gonna for for it, and I'll win....and it may take me years to find another partner that I can know I can accomplish that with, but it'll happen.

Maybe I'm not too bad with words....so after all that...those are the feelings I have inside about dancing...and right now I feel like that has been ripped out. And as a cherry on top the two friends here I had hoped to become great friends with suddenly don't seem to feel the same...

Sensory Sensative

So I have come to realize that I am a very sensory sensative person. The biggest thing that has affected me lately is the lack of sunshine. I like the dreary weather a few times a year...it has it's time and place. I also LOVE the snow....that's special all in it's own. HOWEVER....day after day after day of dreary weather and no sign of the sun I have determined can drive me clinically INSANE!!!! I think my body just needs it...maybe my mind too. Maybe it's just because I grew up in Texas where the sun is ALWAYS visible...but I think it's more than that. I think MY being just needs it!!! Another thing I have noticed that I am super sensitive to is the attitude I am surrounded by. For example, if I hear a crabby person, I suddenly get this assertive/anxious feeling in my body that makes me want to get up and leave. If I am stuck in that situation and can't leave, I feel like I have to do whatever I can to brighten things up. I literally get this anxiety and need to change the mood. UNLESS it's getting close to that fun time of the month...then you can expect me fire back in crabbiness x10! HAHA!

I wonder if dancing has brought this out in me more...or maybe it's the other way around ... maybe my sensitivity is what enhances my dancing. Letting what I feel from the music flow through my body and then also reacting to whatever my partner gives. That is, in my opinion, one strong suit Chris and I have. We can definately read each other well and feed off of the energy we each give. That is the thing I heard the most from people who watched us dance. I think that is one of the most important things in a professional partnership. Finding that is hard. Everything else can be learned.

So I am SOO excited and very much looking forward to our (Britt and I) night of hot chocolate and christmas lights! I love love it! I really would love to go on a carraige ride...but it's so yucky outside with the rain and sleet not to mention Britt's allergy to horses or any animal for that matter haha! MMMM..hot chocolate, christmas lights and snuggling with my very own personal hottie! It can't get any better than that!! Any ideas of good places to go looking at lights etc is welcomed!!!

I love being silly

So I totally had something I wanted to blog about today and now that I'm sitting at the computer....I forgot. I am in desperate need of some sunshine. We have had WAY too much dreary and grey weather; I literally think I'm going to be sick if I don't see the sun. I need a good West Texas sunset!! Anyhow...I starting putting up my Christmas decorations and tree this weekend..I know it is before Thanksgiving but this is MY holiday afterall and I am uber excited about it. Yes I do claim Christmas as my own..haha. I love the spirit of this holiday...it is just so thrilling and not to mention a much more romantic holiday than any other which only increases my liking of it since I am a romantic. OH and of course....it is only a few days away from my birthday..making it all the more exciting and MINE..haha! I am definately looking forward to Thanksgiving too though. NOT for the food...oh geez...I'm losing weight..I dont' need great food infront of me all day!! I am anticipating a good butt kicking...me doing the butt kicking that is...in some very nerdy, strategic, intense, and HIGHLY competative board games. WE're talking risk X100 strategic...games that take a bare minimum of 4 hours to play. I am usually the only female playing...poor guys don't stand a chance. I'm sure they're all plotting about how they'll try to beat me...AAhahahaha...hehe that was my evil laugh! It's soo funny..when I first started playing with them they never suspected anything of me...and then I kept beating them at their own games...hahaha..I'm even a mystery when it comes to gaming!!

So I have been told for the third time that I'm an old spirit. When I first heard this I thought NO WAY... I'm so energetic and youthfull and vibrant, but I am beginning to realize exactly what that means. It doesn't mean I'm old and blah..haha like my wording there??... it means ..um classic, wise..maybe..haha..hmmm what am I?

I am a dance addict; I know that. Hi my name is Merrida and I'm a dancaholic. I'm always itching for my next fix...I literally go through withdrawls! My art is so much a part of who I am.

What do I bring to the table...

So in reflections of recent events I have been asking myself what it is that I bring to the table in any new situation, project, endeavor, etc that I passionately pursue. I find myself having all of these grown up dreams and aspirations yet little experience to really make them happen. Any of you (who know me) know that when I want to do something, I don't let anything become an obstacle. There is nothing too great to keep my from accomplishing my dreams, especially a little lack of experience...I'll just go get some!! Sometimes I have to take a moment to just look at what I have done in my life and what I am trying to do and remind myself that HEY...I'm only 23...so I'm doing pretty well so far! I don't know why, but I often feel like I'm older than that and that I'm running out of time. So in pretty much ANYTHING that I do right now...I have little experience. I mean really I've only been out from under my parents roof for 5 years and three of them I was still in college. So only being two years out of college...I'm still a baby. So experience is not going to be an asset I can bring to the table. What is great about me....what makes me different and worth it? I think that my sharp and creative mind is one thing, a lot of natural ability for most anything I've ever pursued, and the other is my drive and commitment. Maybe that seems boring, but I think it is rare. How often do you find a creative mind that is also sharp and highly analytical. It is rare to have them BOTH. I think that it allows me to learn quickly and in different ways than most. I don't have to be "taught" many things. I am able to learn by watching and piecing things together on my own. This is actually how I've learned most everything I think. I am given a small piece of something, and can take it a mile longer on my own. This kind of goes hand-in-hand with my natural ability. I've been a natural in school and on the canvas/court/field/dance floor....analytical and creative. And what about drive and commitment? How valuable is it to have someone with all the experience in the world but that doesn't give you the commitment necessary or have the drive and passion to get past anything that gets in the way? Pretty worthless.

....and how about compatibility......

is what I bring enough?

Uncovering one of the many questions...

So one of the biggests things that throws people off about who I am is my initial reserved character that comes through in the beginning of a new setting or relationship. Not that I have to tell any of you. You have had your time of experiencing that. Then there is the sudden burst of my real personality that comes out of nowhere. HAHA! It's always funny to see people's reaction to that first time.

I like to think of the beginning not as reservation but as observation. It's quite a good idea really. Think about it. We've all done it...or seen it happen...the infamous insertion of the foot into the mouth in a new setting around people you may not know really well. SO I choose to observe the new situation and/or people first. Then I know what I can/can't say/do around those people. Now, this is not to be confused with being fake. I am never fake around people; I simply choose how much of myself to expose. And there you have it!

Another first impression many people get of me is that I am stuck up (which I'm not even close to being). This comes from the initial reservation and the fact that I naturally have a not so friendly look on my face. When my face is relaxed, I look mad or mean. Personally, I don't care. If I try to look different all day, the muscles in my face hurt at the end of the day. One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is when people tell me to smile or make a comment to "be happy" or "life's not so bad..smile". I AM HAPPY!! This is my face people..the one I was born with..deal with it! Those comments usually push the laser button and those people then see what my unhappy face really looks like. ha! ...I do laugh a lot though. A day without a great big dose laughter is ...blah.

A second go around

So I've tried this blog thing before and it lasted for a whole two entries...that was 2 years ago. I've always liked to write, and I enjoy reading others blogs and thoughts and while reading them wish I could do the same...so here goes...again.

This was my first entry of my last blog....with added thoughts from now in red:

Why do I get so sucked in to romance movies....like the notebook...I really felt so connected to that movie!? I think I just love to be swept off my feet and can never get enough! I want to be romanced 24/7.

Definition : romantic ( n): Merrida. One who enjoys the enchantment in a relationship.

Things that tugg at my heart strings (in no particular order):

1. romance movies( explained above)

2. country music -I think I will always love country music no matter how stupid some songs can be and no matter what they're about...I grew up with this music and for some reason we have a hard time letting go of things that tie us to our childhood. There's something about that twang I that just gets me!

3. People who are truely sincere -mercy is NOT something I have in abundance on people, but when someone is open with me and is truely sincere, my heart goes out to them. THis has also gotten me into much trouble. I tend to be naive or gullable and trust too easily. I want so badly to believe in the good in people. I have learned time and time again to keep my wall up longer, but I don't want to have a wall up, so I tend to take it down naivly!! I wonder when I will learn... This being said, if I let my wall down for someone and they burn me...like I said before, MERCY is NOT something I have in abundance on people. You'll be in my tall, strong wall book for a long time!

4. singing, dancing, modeling career- somehow I just can't let go of this desire...I know it's in me. Anytime I am doing these things I feel like I am really being me.

5.Those brief moments that I wrap my mind around God's greatness..need Iexplain more?